In God I trust

As a Christian your faith should be displayed in many different ways. Christians are meant to be the light for other people that guides them to the truth. Your faith should be displayed in your daily interactions with people, your charitable giving, and in your trust in God, among other things. Granted, we are all fallible and our faith is put to the test by the devil every day.

I had an epiphany about myself the other day. I claim to be a Christian but you couldn't tell by my reaction to difficult situations. I get very upset and angry when something is out of my control, when something does not make sense to me and I don't see the logic or reason behind decisions made by others that directly impact my life. There was an incident that made me realize this. I was put into a situation that I felt was unfair and irrational. I got very upset, walked away, and was ready to burn a bridge. I was ready to completely quit a relationship, not just with one person, but with an entire organization that I had spent over a year building trust with and working hard for (I am not talking about my job by the way). I spent the entire afternoon being upset, talking to people, trying to figure out how to get what I want and was already drafting the e-mail in my mind that I would send explaining why that organization would not get my support anymore. Later that evening, I received a phone call that the director had been consulted and would make an exception to policy and the situation was resolved in my favor. 

Joel Osteen talks a lot about God's favor. I listen to him almost every Sunday, but somehow the message about having God's favor, about God bringing about good from every situation, has not been internalized by my heart. I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few months and been very observant of my own thoughts and my own behavior. As I was contemplating my epiphany, I talked to people that know me very well and have seen me react in a similar fashion many times before. The consensus was that I need control. If I feel like I have no control over a situation and am being controlled by someone else, I completely shut down. There are many examples that I can point to that support this. So I started wondering when I felt like that for the first time. 

My dad died when I was 8 years old. He went to the hospital after a stroke and was there for about 2 weeks. One day my mom received the phone call that he would probably not make it and if he did he would have major brain damage and would be bed-ridden for the rest of his life. She grabbed my hand and my little brother's hand and we stood in a circle to pray for my dad. My mother was so upset, she couldn't even speak. This is the moment I grew up. I was 8 years old. I pulled myself together and prayed out loud for all of us. I prayed to God that my dad would be either completely healed or that God would take him to heaven. As young as I was, I remembered my dad saying many times that he would rather be dead than being a vegetable that others have to take care of which is why my prayer was so specific about healing him completely. Later that day, my dad passed away. Needless to say, in my 8 year old mind, it was my fault because of the prayer I prayed. Not only was I now dealing with not having a father, I was also dealing with the burden of guilt about his death. I never received any counseling after his death. I had to be the other adult in the family. My mom now had to work day and night to support us and keep the apartment we lived in so we wouldn't lose our home on top of everything else as well. I raised myself and my little brother while she was at work. My mom is a wonderful mom and did everything she could for us. She gave up her life to support us and to give us the best life possible. I know how much it hurt her and to this day hurts her that I had to grow up so quickly. 

In retrospect, our life would have been even harder if my dad had survived and had been bed-ridden. Things were tough enough. The memories I do have of my father are that of a strong, vital man with high dreams and goals that he managed to achieve throughout his life. He fled the socialist hell the Czech Republic was at the time, started working construction in Germany, living in a small apartment with 7 other guys, taught himself how to speak and write German, put himself through school and became an engineer at VDO. My dad taught me about the American Dream, even though we were not in America. I am thankful that I remember him that way rather than as a helpless, bed-ridden man. I am thankful for everything my dad has taught me, even after his death through the stories my cousins and aunts told me about him. I understand this on an intellectual level, but in my heart and soul, the 8 year old girl still wishes she could have had more time with her dad. 

In my adult life this has translated into not wanting to give up control. It has translated into not wanting to give my burdens to God because I am scared of the outcome. It has translated into me being completely unequipped to deal with any kind of loss, including break ups. When someone chooses to leave me, I can intellectually understand the reasons behind it but in my heart and soul I feel that it is my fault. And because I feel like it is my fault, I feel like I need to fix it. There has got to be something I can do to make it go away and have more time, right? 

So when someone tells me no, when something does not go the way I so desperately wanted it to go, be it personal or professional, the 8 year old girl in me rises up and fights. The 8 year old girl in me screams 'not this time' and does not comprehend that sometimes there just isn't anything you can do or should do. 

Evil is everywhere in the world. Death and loss are a part of this world. But God is in control. God promises that He will pay us back for what we have lost.  I need to learn to understand that, to feel that. I need to learn to be patient and trust that God will take care of me and that I sometimes sabotage what God has planned and prepared  for me by trying to force it and trying to control it. I need to give up control and fully trust the Lord. This will be my greatest and most impactful resolution for 2013. 

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Matthew 11:28-29

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.Even youths will become weak and tired,and young men will fall in exhaustion.But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.They will soar high on wings like eagles.They will run and not grow weary.They will walk and not faint. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3b1iwLIMmRQ