Knock out the mammoth that is chasing you

I listened to a TedX talk the other day about "Coming out of the closet". It's a great speech about coming out of the closet, not just in the way we all know it, but about coming out of the closets we all have. Telling your kids you're getting a divorce, telling your friends you just declared bankruptcy, etc. But what really struck me was the part where she talks about stress.

Listen to the whole thing if you want, but the section I am referring to is from 4:56 to 6:08  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSR4xuU07sc

She talks about the effects of prolonged stress that staying in the closet causes. The chemical reaction our body produces in response to stress was meant to protect us in situations of immediate harm. Like being attacked by a mammoth. The stress lasts for the period of the attack but then vanishes when the attack is over.

It got me thinking about all the stress factors in my life.What do I worry about? What keeps me up at night and why? And I realized that they are all things that I know I need to take care of but haven't for different reasons. And then I started thinking about how much better my life would be if I did take care of those things. How awesome would it be not to have to worry about lingering issues?

Granted there are some things in people's lives that will cause on-going stress and cannot just be eliminated by taking care of something. If you or someone in your family is seriously sick, you will worry about it and there is nothing you can 'take care of' to make it go away.

But how much unnecessary stress are we causing ourselves with things that don't need to be a stress factor? How many things could we just eliminate from our minds at night lying in bed if we just ate the proverbial frog?

Have you been postponing an important but critical conversation? Is there a bill or debt that has been hanging over your head for a while? Is that funny looking mole in the back of your mind at all times? Is there someone you owe an apology to? Are you worried about the future of your job?

Sure some of these can be difficult to handle, but what if that mole is nothing? Or what if it is something but it is removed early enough to not cause any harm? Waiting any longer to have it checked out surely won't help the situation. Can you apply for different jobs even if you don't know what the future of your current job is just to have a back-up plan? Can you take classes, ask for stretch assignments, etc, to make yourself more valuable in your current job? Can you call that bill collector that is calling your every day and you let it go to voicemail because you don't want to deal with it and set up a payment plan?

I know that dealing with life is not that simple. Some things will be stressful and difficult, no matter what.
But with every issue you face, ask yourself this question:

Is eating the frog really worse than being chased by an angry mammoth?

Online Dating: My 2 Cents

I have been on various online dating sites and have been on countless first dates (not so many second dates and even fewer third dates) and have chatted with a lot of my dates about their experiences in online dating as well as talked to my friends who are also dating online. At this point, I can say that I am pretty much an expert in online dating.

In this blog post I want to cover a few things:

1.       Best online dating sites

2.       Dos and donts for profiles (men and women)

3.       Dos and donts for messages

4.       General thoughts

1.       Best Online Dating Sites

As mentioned I have been on a few a sites and here is my ranking (this only contains sites I have been on, obviously there are sites out there I haven’t been on)

1.      OKCupid – this is by far my favorite site and I have been on the most quality dates from this site. It is free with the option to upgrade (i.e. pay) for additional features, which I have not. It has a matching system based on questions you answer. Some of the questions are a little silly and some of them are very very personal, but you can choose to answer them privately and still get matches based on your answer if that makes you more comfortable. Some of the questions are user generated which I think is awesome because it provides an insight into what people want to know about their partner in advance. You can answer as many or as few questions as you want and also skip questions you don’t want to answer, but the more the better the match will be. You can also view the responses (if answered publicly, which most people tend to do) of potentially dates to each questions if you really want to dig in.

The user base seems to be fairly broad and you seldom see the same faces. You can e-mail whoever you want, not just your matches. They also have an activity feed and a broadcast setting that lets you spontaneously connect with people on their app. You can set your broadcast to whatever you are doing and where you are to see if someone wants to hang out. I have met a few cool people that way. The app also tracks your location and shows you in people’s feeds where ever you are. I recently travelled to SoCal and when I checked my app about an hour after landing I had 121 new visitors to my profile and 34 new messages.

2.      Plenty of Fish (POF) – now a lot of people think of this site and think ‘hook up’. Yes, there are quite a few people on there looking for just sex, just as any site really. It’s not that bad. It’s free with an option to upgrade for additional features just like OKCupid and it’s simple. Just your pictures and your profile and people to talk to. Now it does provide you with matches and there is also a feature called ‘Top 10 prospects’ (seems to only be available to women though), but I have no idea how in the world they generate that because you don’t submit any information other than your basics and some qualifiers. So take the matching with a grain of salt. I have gone on a few quality dates from that site. They also have an app and it also tracks your location just like the OKCupid app. But it doesn’t have the broadcast feature.

3.      Match – the first downside of match.com is obviously that it is not free unlike OKCupid and POF. You would think that if people pay for something they would be a little more serious about the whole dating thing but that is not the case. It’s not worse or better than the free sites, it’s just the same. I did find the user base to be smaller and started seeing the same faces over and over again. You get matched based on questions you answer, but why pay for that when you can get it for free on OKCupid? I have gone on a few dates from this site.  I am sure they have an app as well but I never used it.

4.      ChristianMingle – I have not gone on any dates from this site. It is free however and it is nice to know upfront that someone is a Christian. What bothered me the most about this site is the user interface. It looks cheap and is weird to navigate. Also, their user base doesn’t seem to be very big and I did not receive any e-mails from men that I would actually consider dating. Not sure if they have an app.

5.      EHarmony – now this one is the biggest disappointment of all. A few months ago I decided to give it a shot because again I thought that if people put that much effort into creating their profile and pay for it, that chances are you can find someone who is actually serious about dating. I paid $75 plus two more payments of $75 for a year membership and I am soooo regretting it. First of, if you are really that convinced that your site can find you the perfect match, why make the cheapest and best option a one year long membership? (yeah I should have thought of that before I signed up…now shush). I get about 5 matches a day, usually 4 out of the 5 are completely unattractive to me in terms of looks. Also, most of them have a note that says “this person is just out of your match criteria but we still think they could be a great match”. That usually means they are 5’6. Nothing wrong with being 5’6 but I am 5’5 and I wear heels so 5’10 is my minimum height. Call me superficial, I don’t care. It also tells me that I should adjust my distance settings to more than 250 miles away from me(!!!) to get more matches. Yeah, I am not looking for a pen pal.

They have a pre-set communication pattern where you pick a few pre-set questions to send to someone, then Likes and Dislikes, then something else, then something else, and then finally you can actually start e-mailing each other. The few guys that I have actually communicated with stopped responding when it got the point of freely e-mailing each other. Now you could say that that was just me, but I get about 20 e-mails a day on OKCupid, so I think not. Some of the guys haven’t even been online on the site in weeks. They do have an app but it doesn’t do anything outside of what you’d get on the website.

They have a  features called ‘What if’ that shows you people that aren’t matches, but doesn’t allow you to just browse people either. My verdict: don’t waste your money.

2.       Dos and donts for profiles

Men’s dos and donts

-         Do put up pictures of your face from different angles. Ask your girlfriends which pictures make you look the best but don’t misrepresent yourself.

-         Don’t put up shirtless pictures unless you’re ripped.

-         Don’t put up mirror selfies (one is fine, but all of your pics??)

-         A few pics of you waterskiing, etc are fine but don’t make all of your pics like that. I can read what your hobbies are in your profile, I don’t need to see you doing them. I want to see your face!

-         This may be obvious but you wouldn’t believe how many guys don’t do this: SMILE.

-         Don’t lie about your height.

-         Don’t start your summary with “I hate writing about myself but here it goes” (or anything similar)

-         Don’t put up pictures that are older than 6 months.

-         Don’t put up one picture with a beard and long hair and one with a bald head and shaved without explaining which look is you RIGHT NOW. Yes, that is an extreme, but you get the point.

-         Don’t put up pictures with you and your buddies unless you’re the hottest one of the group.

-         Do talk about what is important in your life and where you are wanting to go. Drive is sexy.

Women’s dos and donts:

-         Don’t put up pictures of just your cleavage.

-         Don’t put up pictures that are older than 6 months.

-         Ladies, ladies, ladies… I know we all want to show our best sides, but don’t lie about your figure. Own it! In both your profile and your pictures. This is the number one biggest complaint I have heard from guys. ‘She was way bigger than her pictures’. I know there are clever angles to take pictures from that make you look skinnier but guess what, those angles won’t help you in person. Love your body and be proud of it.

-         Do smile in your pictures.

-         Don’t duckface in your pictures.

-         Don’t put up pictures of you with girlfriends that are hotter than you! (can’t believe I have to even say this)

-        Don’t say “I hate drama” because it usually means you create it. At least that’s what guys think and have experienced.

-        Don’t rant about other guys or bad dates on your profile.

-        Don’t be a bitch.

-        Do offer to split the bill. Always. Times are tough and guys don’t have money to waste either. He will appreciate your gesture and if he is a gentleman he will refuse your offer anyway. But at the latest on the         third date you should insist on paying all of it yourself. Then you can play it by ear going forward.

3.       Dos and donts for first messages

-        Do write more than ‘hi’.

-         Don’t write ‘dtf’ or make a sexual comment. (unless that’s what you’re after obviously)

-         Don’t write a novel. If you can’t capture their attention in 3 sentences you’ve already lost.

-         Do check for spelling errors and grammar. (this one is a pet peeve of mine)

-         Do tell the person why they stood out to you and why you think they should write you back, i.e. what you have to offer them.

-         Don’t diminish yourself. (“I know you are out of my league but…”, “I am probably not what you’re looking for…”)

-         Do write with confidence.

-         Be genuine.

4.       General Thoughts

-         Don’t give up! I went on many many many dates before I found someone that I actually wanted to put some effort into. Sometimes you like them more than they like you and sometimes it’s the other way around and sometimes you mutually agree there is no connection. And one day you will go on a date and you will both agree that you do have a great connection.

-         Don’t be a stage 5 clinger. It’s not sexy. And both guys and girls do it. If the other person is not interested, move on and find someone new.

-         Don’t take it personally. If someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t mean you’re not likable. It’s just means that one person didn’t click with you. And you never know what is going on in their lives. Maybe they are still in love with someone else, maybe they are just not ready to date, or maybe they are just out to have casual fun.

-         Yes it is online dating, but that doesn’t mean it’s online ‘dating’. Once you connect through the site a few times, meet up in person to see if you click.

-         Don’t jump into an instant relationship. It will fade quicker than it happened. Give it time.

-         Be honest about who you are and what you want but make it clear that you are not expecting the other person to be that. So if your end goal is to be married, be honest about that, but don’t put that pressure on the person you’re with. It is a goal you have with whoever is the right person for you. It might be them or it might not. It’s your goal and whether they will be part of that goal will emerge at a later time.

-         We all know fairly quickly whether or not we can see ourselves with someone going forward or not. You might like the other person, you might have fun with them, but deep down you’re already thinking about letting them go because you’re just not feeling it? Let them go. Now. I am not saying you have to know right away that you want to be in a relationship with the person, but if you can’t get it up with her (not sure what the female equivalent here would be…), you’re probably not interested. It is not a fair and total douche move to lead someone on just because you’re having a good time with them.

-         Don’t let past experiences impact how you interact with a new person. It will only taint the experience. Sure they may turn out to be ‘just like all the other guys/girls’ but if you don’t approach things with an open heart, you might end up dismissing or driving away someone who liked you and treated you well.

-         Don’t make assumptions. But always assume best intentions.

-         If you genuinely like someone, give it the best chance it can have by not being clingy, anxious, weird, pushy, or anything else negative. Relationships are fragile, especially in the beginning stages.

-         Don’t settle.

-         Have faith.

Happy online dating!

The Queen of Procrastination is dead

I have been struggling with procrastination for the past few years. Getting stuff done has become an obstacle to me. But according to my strengths finder I am an activator, which has been baffling to me. Ideation is also one of my strengths. I have great ideas but I have trouble following through on them. I am working on multiple projects in my personal life that could greatly enhance my life if I only finished them, but I haven't and rarely work on them. At work, I am a little better, because there are deadlines and pressure from other people. I don't know if it's Twitter's fault but my attention span is shorter than 140 characters. In meetings that last more than 30 minutes my mind starts to wander. I get pinged on 50 different 'apps' every day (Facebook, Twitter, Outlook, Office Communicator, text, kik, whats app, Yahoo mail, Gmail.... the list goes on) so I guess it is no wonder I can't focus on one thing more than 3 seconds.

So today, and I don't know where this thought came from or what inspired me to try this, I made a list of all the things I need to get done today and the set a timer for 15 minutes and started on the top of the list. 

A few examples of tasks that can be completed in 15 minute intervals that are on my list:

- Dishes/clean kitchen

- Sort closet

- Edit book

- Catch up on e-mail

I have been working the list of about 20 items total since then and I have gotten more done than I probably have this entire past weekend in just the past two hours. You would be surprised how much you can get done in 15 minutes. And if you are also competitive like me, you're going to try to get as much done or finish a task completely in those 15 minutes. This blog post is one of the items on my list. I have 1 minutes and 30 seconds left.

Try it. Let me know how it works for you. If I can keep this up, this will truly be a life changer for me.