Are you dating your phone?

I love technology. I think technology is great and helps us streamline a lot of things and enhance our lives. 

Or does it? 

It does if that is how we choose to use technology. Technology can be good or bad, it isn't inherently either of the two, it depends on how we use it.

When I go out I see tons of people staring at their phones. Couples having dinner together looking down on their phones, groups of friends standing in a circle drink in one hand phone in the other, and singles looking at their phones instead of looking around them.

The latter is probably the least disturbing but it still is an interesting phenomena. Yet a totally understandable one. Looking at your online dating profiles gives you the feeling that while there may be no one around to talk to (or so you think) at least there are still people on your phone to talk to. It's a comforter. A blanket of reassurance that things aren't hopeless. 

I have this radical dream that in the future people will use technology only where it will help them enhance their real life experience instead of replacing their real life experiences with technology. 

I would like to get your thoughts on dating specifically to help me fine tune my crazy big idea.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/VX7SBJV

Thank you for your time. 

McDonald's or Microsoft, Same Difference

There has been a lot of discussion lately about the increase of the minimum wage to $15 in Seattle. There were many points on both sides of the argument, but I don't want to get into that here and time will tell who was right or wrong. I will just point out one argument below for the purpose of outlining my thoughts here.

One of the arguments against raising the minimum wage was that these types of jobs were never meant to be a long-term solution or a career and I agree with that argument.

However, people are so focused on the amount of money a job pays and benefits that the company offers that they seem to ignore or at least dismiss whether or not it brings value to their lives.

Of course we all want a job that pays well so we can support our loved ones, have money for emergencies, etc. That is certainly a huge factor in job satisfaction. But our jobs are temporary. People switch jobs every few years these days. A job also needs to provide progress, upward or lateral movement, either through a promotion or through cross-training. Your job needs to fit your goals. It needs to teach you something new on a regular basis, challenge you, and bring you closer to the next level.

Note that I used the term 'goals' above instead of 'career path' because I don't think that is how the world works anymore. A certain career goal is not the only thing a job can bring you closer to. If you have read the 4 Hour Workweek, you have an idea of what I am talking about.

We tend to think of our jobs and our careers as linear.We tend to pay more attention to the status and pay of a job than to the knowledge, joy, learning, and fulfillment it brings to our lives.

If you are stuck in dead-end office job at a large company with no way up or out, are you really better off than someone working at a fast food joint while working on their online business on the side? Or someone working as a bartender because they want to learn about wine so they can open their own tasting room some day?

It's not the job you hold that makes you successful, it's what you are going to do with what you learn, every day.

Now you may say that most people working minimum wage jobs probably do not think this way and have no such aspirations. If you're still focused on 'them' instead of 'you' right now, you're missing the point.

Is YOUR job giving YOU what you need long-term or are you just flipping burgers to make a buck? That is the question, whether you work at McDonald's or at Microsoft.

Let me give you a quick personal example of a decision I recently made. I am a skilled professional working at a big company. There are many things I do well, but selling isn't one of them, especially myself and my own product. I wrote a children's book (www.schmittyandfelix.com) that encourages kids to do chores and you could put a family with 5 children in front of me and I would say something like: "So I wrote this book, it's really cool, it's about doing chores...you might maybe perhaps like it... but you probably don't need it.. I mean, it's really awesome, but.. never mind... it's not for you... probably" (sadly that is not an exaggeration).

I have gone through many training sessions about selling and overcoming hesitations as a by-product of my job, but that hasn't helped me with overcoming my fear of selling. So I have decided to do something that sounds as scary as sky-diving to me: I am going to stand on a mall parking lot with a box of my books in my car and sell them to people passing by.

Now just typing that out gave me the creeps, but I will do it. If I can do that, get through the discomfort, ignore the stigma it brings, deal with the rejection, I will be able to move past that lacking skill set and most importantly that fear. I will have conquered it. While I am not quitting my job to do this, it is an example of what may seem like taking a few steps back (or in this case like hitting rock bottom) to advance myself and grow.

So when you think about your job, ask yourself: Which new skills am I acquiring? Which fears am I overcoming? Who am I meeting? Am I doing something I love? Where is it taking me?

Hopefully you will find that you are in the right place and are growing on a daily basis whether you work at McDonald's or at Microsoft. If you're not, read quote below and let it sink in:

“Someone once told me the definition of Hell: The last day you have on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become.”

- Anonymous

Knock out the mammoth that is chasing you

I listened to a TedX talk the other day about "Coming out of the closet". It's a great speech about coming out of the closet, not just in the way we all know it, but about coming out of the closets we all have. Telling your kids you're getting a divorce, telling your friends you just declared bankruptcy, etc. But what really struck me was the part where she talks about stress.

Listen to the whole thing if you want, but the section I am referring to is from 4:56 to 6:08  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSR4xuU07sc

She talks about the effects of prolonged stress that staying in the closet causes. The chemical reaction our body produces in response to stress was meant to protect us in situations of immediate harm. Like being attacked by a mammoth. The stress lasts for the period of the attack but then vanishes when the attack is over.

It got me thinking about all the stress factors in my life.What do I worry about? What keeps me up at night and why? And I realized that they are all things that I know I need to take care of but haven't for different reasons. And then I started thinking about how much better my life would be if I did take care of those things. How awesome would it be not to have to worry about lingering issues?

Granted there are some things in people's lives that will cause on-going stress and cannot just be eliminated by taking care of something. If you or someone in your family is seriously sick, you will worry about it and there is nothing you can 'take care of' to make it go away.

But how much unnecessary stress are we causing ourselves with things that don't need to be a stress factor? How many things could we just eliminate from our minds at night lying in bed if we just ate the proverbial frog?

Have you been postponing an important but critical conversation? Is there a bill or debt that has been hanging over your head for a while? Is that funny looking mole in the back of your mind at all times? Is there someone you owe an apology to? Are you worried about the future of your job?

Sure some of these can be difficult to handle, but what if that mole is nothing? Or what if it is something but it is removed early enough to not cause any harm? Waiting any longer to have it checked out surely won't help the situation. Can you apply for different jobs even if you don't know what the future of your current job is just to have a back-up plan? Can you take classes, ask for stretch assignments, etc, to make yourself more valuable in your current job? Can you call that bill collector that is calling your every day and you let it go to voicemail because you don't want to deal with it and set up a payment plan?

I know that dealing with life is not that simple. Some things will be stressful and difficult, no matter what.
But with every issue you face, ask yourself this question:

Is eating the frog really worse than being chased by an angry mammoth?

Online Dating: My 2 Cents

I have been on various online dating sites and have been on countless first dates (not so many second dates and even fewer third dates) and have chatted with a lot of my dates about their experiences in online dating as well as talked to my friends who are also dating online. At this point, I can say that I am pretty much an expert in online dating.

In this blog post I want to cover a few things:

1.       Best online dating sites

2.       Dos and donts for profiles (men and women)

3.       Dos and donts for messages

4.       General thoughts

1.       Best Online Dating Sites

As mentioned I have been on a few a sites and here is my ranking (this only contains sites I have been on, obviously there are sites out there I haven’t been on)

1.      OKCupid – this is by far my favorite site and I have been on the most quality dates from this site. It is free with the option to upgrade (i.e. pay) for additional features, which I have not. It has a matching system based on questions you answer. Some of the questions are a little silly and some of them are very very personal, but you can choose to answer them privately and still get matches based on your answer if that makes you more comfortable. Some of the questions are user generated which I think is awesome because it provides an insight into what people want to know about their partner in advance. You can answer as many or as few questions as you want and also skip questions you don’t want to answer, but the more the better the match will be. You can also view the responses (if answered publicly, which most people tend to do) of potentially dates to each questions if you really want to dig in.

The user base seems to be fairly broad and you seldom see the same faces. You can e-mail whoever you want, not just your matches. They also have an activity feed and a broadcast setting that lets you spontaneously connect with people on their app. You can set your broadcast to whatever you are doing and where you are to see if someone wants to hang out. I have met a few cool people that way. The app also tracks your location and shows you in people’s feeds where ever you are. I recently travelled to SoCal and when I checked my app about an hour after landing I had 121 new visitors to my profile and 34 new messages.

2.      Plenty of Fish (POF) – now a lot of people think of this site and think ‘hook up’. Yes, there are quite a few people on there looking for just sex, just as any site really. It’s not that bad. It’s free with an option to upgrade for additional features just like OKCupid and it’s simple. Just your pictures and your profile and people to talk to. Now it does provide you with matches and there is also a feature called ‘Top 10 prospects’ (seems to only be available to women though), but I have no idea how in the world they generate that because you don’t submit any information other than your basics and some qualifiers. So take the matching with a grain of salt. I have gone on a few quality dates from that site. They also have an app and it also tracks your location just like the OKCupid app. But it doesn’t have the broadcast feature.

3.      Match – the first downside of match.com is obviously that it is not free unlike OKCupid and POF. You would think that if people pay for something they would be a little more serious about the whole dating thing but that is not the case. It’s not worse or better than the free sites, it’s just the same. I did find the user base to be smaller and started seeing the same faces over and over again. You get matched based on questions you answer, but why pay for that when you can get it for free on OKCupid? I have gone on a few dates from this site.  I am sure they have an app as well but I never used it.

4.      ChristianMingle – I have not gone on any dates from this site. It is free however and it is nice to know upfront that someone is a Christian. What bothered me the most about this site is the user interface. It looks cheap and is weird to navigate. Also, their user base doesn’t seem to be very big and I did not receive any e-mails from men that I would actually consider dating. Not sure if they have an app.

5.      EHarmony – now this one is the biggest disappointment of all. A few months ago I decided to give it a shot because again I thought that if people put that much effort into creating their profile and pay for it, that chances are you can find someone who is actually serious about dating. I paid $75 plus two more payments of $75 for a year membership and I am soooo regretting it. First of, if you are really that convinced that your site can find you the perfect match, why make the cheapest and best option a one year long membership? (yeah I should have thought of that before I signed up…now shush). I get about 5 matches a day, usually 4 out of the 5 are completely unattractive to me in terms of looks. Also, most of them have a note that says “this person is just out of your match criteria but we still think they could be a great match”. That usually means they are 5’6. Nothing wrong with being 5’6 but I am 5’5 and I wear heels so 5’10 is my minimum height. Call me superficial, I don’t care. It also tells me that I should adjust my distance settings to more than 250 miles away from me(!!!) to get more matches. Yeah, I am not looking for a pen pal.

They have a pre-set communication pattern where you pick a few pre-set questions to send to someone, then Likes and Dislikes, then something else, then something else, and then finally you can actually start e-mailing each other. The few guys that I have actually communicated with stopped responding when it got the point of freely e-mailing each other. Now you could say that that was just me, but I get about 20 e-mails a day on OKCupid, so I think not. Some of the guys haven’t even been online on the site in weeks. They do have an app but it doesn’t do anything outside of what you’d get on the website.

They have a  features called ‘What if’ that shows you people that aren’t matches, but doesn’t allow you to just browse people either. My verdict: don’t waste your money.

2.       Dos and donts for profiles

Men’s dos and donts

-         Do put up pictures of your face from different angles. Ask your girlfriends which pictures make you look the best but don’t misrepresent yourself.

-         Don’t put up shirtless pictures unless you’re ripped.

-         Don’t put up mirror selfies (one is fine, but all of your pics??)

-         A few pics of you waterskiing, etc are fine but don’t make all of your pics like that. I can read what your hobbies are in your profile, I don’t need to see you doing them. I want to see your face!

-         This may be obvious but you wouldn’t believe how many guys don’t do this: SMILE.

-         Don’t lie about your height.

-         Don’t start your summary with “I hate writing about myself but here it goes” (or anything similar)

-         Don’t put up pictures that are older than 6 months.

-         Don’t put up one picture with a beard and long hair and one with a bald head and shaved without explaining which look is you RIGHT NOW. Yes, that is an extreme, but you get the point.

-         Don’t put up pictures with you and your buddies unless you’re the hottest one of the group.

-         Do talk about what is important in your life and where you are wanting to go. Drive is sexy.

Women’s dos and donts:

-         Don’t put up pictures of just your cleavage.

-         Don’t put up pictures that are older than 6 months.

-         Ladies, ladies, ladies… I know we all want to show our best sides, but don’t lie about your figure. Own it! In both your profile and your pictures. This is the number one biggest complaint I have heard from guys. ‘She was way bigger than her pictures’. I know there are clever angles to take pictures from that make you look skinnier but guess what, those angles won’t help you in person. Love your body and be proud of it.

-         Do smile in your pictures.

-         Don’t duckface in your pictures.

-         Don’t put up pictures of you with girlfriends that are hotter than you! (can’t believe I have to even say this)

-        Don’t say “I hate drama” because it usually means you create it. At least that’s what guys think and have experienced.

-        Don’t rant about other guys or bad dates on your profile.

-        Don’t be a bitch.

-        Do offer to split the bill. Always. Times are tough and guys don’t have money to waste either. He will appreciate your gesture and if he is a gentleman he will refuse your offer anyway. But at the latest on the         third date you should insist on paying all of it yourself. Then you can play it by ear going forward.

3.       Dos and donts for first messages

-        Do write more than ‘hi’.

-         Don’t write ‘dtf’ or make a sexual comment. (unless that’s what you’re after obviously)

-         Don’t write a novel. If you can’t capture their attention in 3 sentences you’ve already lost.

-         Do check for spelling errors and grammar. (this one is a pet peeve of mine)

-         Do tell the person why they stood out to you and why you think they should write you back, i.e. what you have to offer them.

-         Don’t diminish yourself. (“I know you are out of my league but…”, “I am probably not what you’re looking for…”)

-         Do write with confidence.

-         Be genuine.

4.       General Thoughts

-         Don’t give up! I went on many many many dates before I found someone that I actually wanted to put some effort into. Sometimes you like them more than they like you and sometimes it’s the other way around and sometimes you mutually agree there is no connection. And one day you will go on a date and you will both agree that you do have a great connection.

-         Don’t be a stage 5 clinger. It’s not sexy. And both guys and girls do it. If the other person is not interested, move on and find someone new.

-         Don’t take it personally. If someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t mean you’re not likable. It’s just means that one person didn’t click with you. And you never know what is going on in their lives. Maybe they are still in love with someone else, maybe they are just not ready to date, or maybe they are just out to have casual fun.

-         Yes it is online dating, but that doesn’t mean it’s online ‘dating’. Once you connect through the site a few times, meet up in person to see if you click.

-         Don’t jump into an instant relationship. It will fade quicker than it happened. Give it time.

-         Be honest about who you are and what you want but make it clear that you are not expecting the other person to be that. So if your end goal is to be married, be honest about that, but don’t put that pressure on the person you’re with. It is a goal you have with whoever is the right person for you. It might be them or it might not. It’s your goal and whether they will be part of that goal will emerge at a later time.

-         We all know fairly quickly whether or not we can see ourselves with someone going forward or not. You might like the other person, you might have fun with them, but deep down you’re already thinking about letting them go because you’re just not feeling it? Let them go. Now. I am not saying you have to know right away that you want to be in a relationship with the person, but if you can’t get it up with her (not sure what the female equivalent here would be…), you’re probably not interested. It is not a fair and total douche move to lead someone on just because you’re having a good time with them.

-         Don’t let past experiences impact how you interact with a new person. It will only taint the experience. Sure they may turn out to be ‘just like all the other guys/girls’ but if you don’t approach things with an open heart, you might end up dismissing or driving away someone who liked you and treated you well.

-         Don’t make assumptions. But always assume best intentions.

-         If you genuinely like someone, give it the best chance it can have by not being clingy, anxious, weird, pushy, or anything else negative. Relationships are fragile, especially in the beginning stages.

-         Don’t settle.

-         Have faith.

Happy online dating!

The Queen of Procrastination is dead

I have been struggling with procrastination for the past few years. Getting stuff done has become an obstacle to me. But according to my strengths finder I am an activator, which has been baffling to me. Ideation is also one of my strengths. I have great ideas but I have trouble following through on them. I am working on multiple projects in my personal life that could greatly enhance my life if I only finished them, but I haven't and rarely work on them. At work, I am a little better, because there are deadlines and pressure from other people. I don't know if it's Twitter's fault but my attention span is shorter than 140 characters. In meetings that last more than 30 minutes my mind starts to wander. I get pinged on 50 different 'apps' every day (Facebook, Twitter, Outlook, Office Communicator, text, kik, whats app, Yahoo mail, Gmail.... the list goes on) so I guess it is no wonder I can't focus on one thing more than 3 seconds.

So today, and I don't know where this thought came from or what inspired me to try this, I made a list of all the things I need to get done today and the set a timer for 15 minutes and started on the top of the list. 

A few examples of tasks that can be completed in 15 minute intervals that are on my list:

- Dishes/clean kitchen

- Sort closet

- Edit book

- Catch up on e-mail

I have been working the list of about 20 items total since then and I have gotten more done than I probably have this entire past weekend in just the past two hours. You would be surprised how much you can get done in 15 minutes. And if you are also competitive like me, you're going to try to get as much done or finish a task completely in those 15 minutes. This blog post is one of the items on my list. I have 1 minutes and 30 seconds left.

Try it. Let me know how it works for you. If I can keep this up, this will truly be a life changer for me. 

In God I trust

As a Christian your faith should be displayed in many different ways. Christians are meant to be the light for other people that guides them to the truth. Your faith should be displayed in your daily interactions with people, your charitable giving, and in your trust in God, among other things. Granted, we are all fallible and our faith is put to the test by the devil every day.

I had an epiphany about myself the other day. I claim to be a Christian but you couldn't tell by my reaction to difficult situations. I get very upset and angry when something is out of my control, when something does not make sense to me and I don't see the logic or reason behind decisions made by others that directly impact my life. There was an incident that made me realize this. I was put into a situation that I felt was unfair and irrational. I got very upset, walked away, and was ready to burn a bridge. I was ready to completely quit a relationship, not just with one person, but with an entire organization that I had spent over a year building trust with and working hard for (I am not talking about my job by the way). I spent the entire afternoon being upset, talking to people, trying to figure out how to get what I want and was already drafting the e-mail in my mind that I would send explaining why that organization would not get my support anymore. Later that evening, I received a phone call that the director had been consulted and would make an exception to policy and the situation was resolved in my favor. 

Joel Osteen talks a lot about God's favor. I listen to him almost every Sunday, but somehow the message about having God's favor, about God bringing about good from every situation, has not been internalized by my heart. I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few months and been very observant of my own thoughts and my own behavior. As I was contemplating my epiphany, I talked to people that know me very well and have seen me react in a similar fashion many times before. The consensus was that I need control. If I feel like I have no control over a situation and am being controlled by someone else, I completely shut down. There are many examples that I can point to that support this. So I started wondering when I felt like that for the first time. 

My dad died when I was 8 years old. He went to the hospital after a stroke and was there for about 2 weeks. One day my mom received the phone call that he would probably not make it and if he did he would have major brain damage and would be bed-ridden for the rest of his life. She grabbed my hand and my little brother's hand and we stood in a circle to pray for my dad. My mother was so upset, she couldn't even speak. This is the moment I grew up. I was 8 years old. I pulled myself together and prayed out loud for all of us. I prayed to God that my dad would be either completely healed or that God would take him to heaven. As young as I was, I remembered my dad saying many times that he would rather be dead than being a vegetable that others have to take care of which is why my prayer was so specific about healing him completely. Later that day, my dad passed away. Needless to say, in my 8 year old mind, it was my fault because of the prayer I prayed. Not only was I now dealing with not having a father, I was also dealing with the burden of guilt about his death. I never received any counseling after his death. I had to be the other adult in the family. My mom now had to work day and night to support us and keep the apartment we lived in so we wouldn't lose our home on top of everything else as well. I raised myself and my little brother while she was at work. My mom is a wonderful mom and did everything she could for us. She gave up her life to support us and to give us the best life possible. I know how much it hurt her and to this day hurts her that I had to grow up so quickly. 

In retrospect, our life would have been even harder if my dad had survived and had been bed-ridden. Things were tough enough. The memories I do have of my father are that of a strong, vital man with high dreams and goals that he managed to achieve throughout his life. He fled the socialist hell the Czech Republic was at the time, started working construction in Germany, living in a small apartment with 7 other guys, taught himself how to speak and write German, put himself through school and became an engineer at VDO. My dad taught me about the American Dream, even though we were not in America. I am thankful that I remember him that way rather than as a helpless, bed-ridden man. I am thankful for everything my dad has taught me, even after his death through the stories my cousins and aunts told me about him. I understand this on an intellectual level, but in my heart and soul, the 8 year old girl still wishes she could have had more time with her dad. 

In my adult life this has translated into not wanting to give up control. It has translated into not wanting to give my burdens to God because I am scared of the outcome. It has translated into me being completely unequipped to deal with any kind of loss, including break ups. When someone chooses to leave me, I can intellectually understand the reasons behind it but in my heart and soul I feel that it is my fault. And because I feel like it is my fault, I feel like I need to fix it. There has got to be something I can do to make it go away and have more time, right? 

So when someone tells me no, when something does not go the way I so desperately wanted it to go, be it personal or professional, the 8 year old girl in me rises up and fights. The 8 year old girl in me screams 'not this time' and does not comprehend that sometimes there just isn't anything you can do or should do. 

Evil is everywhere in the world. Death and loss are a part of this world. But God is in control. God promises that He will pay us back for what we have lost.  I need to learn to understand that, to feel that. I need to learn to be patient and trust that God will take care of me and that I sometimes sabotage what God has planned and prepared  for me by trying to force it and trying to control it. I need to give up control and fully trust the Lord. This will be my greatest and most impactful resolution for 2013. 

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Matthew 11:28-29

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.Even youths will become weak and tired,and young men will fall in exhaustion.But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.They will soar high on wings like eagles.They will run and not grow weary.They will walk and not faint. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3b1iwLIMmRQ

Surprised by the Voice of God

I have read 'Surprised by the Voice of God' 13 years ago (http://www.amazon.com/Surprised-Voice-God-Jack-Deere/dp/0310225582 not an affiliate link, just for reference). I still own the book and I am about to read again after what happened to me last night.

I had a rather rough week at work and a particularly rough day yesterday, feeling like I let people down that counted on me. On top of that my Friday night plans were cancelled last minute. I had been looking forward to being done with work and just relax and then that didn't happen either. Not to complain, people are dealing with much worse than that. Just setting the stage here.

I laid down in bed and just tried to get control over my mind so it would stop racing. I get anxious very easily but I am very effective at snapping out of it quickly. Yesterday it wasn't that easy for some reason and I even started feeling physically sick which only increased my anxiety. I don't like bothering people with my silly problems so I didn't call any of my friends or family to talk about it.

So I closed my eyes and started focusing on God. Some call this 'quiet time'. I wasn't even praying. I was just quiet, trying to listen to God (which I need to do MUCH more often, as a routine and with purpose). My mind was still trying to race, but I kept at it, trying to just focus on God.

All of a sudden, a random name popped into my head. I tried to actually drown it out at first, thinking it was part of my mind racing. But it kept coming back. Very clearly. Over and over again. A name I had never heard before. I don't even know anyone by that first name. Or by that last name for that matter.

After about 5 minutes of this name very clearly repeating over and over in my head, I picked up my phone and googled the name, expecting to get a bunch of random results to sift through with no real conclusion as to what the name meant. I had no idea what to expect.

First three plus results were about the same Christian therapist/counselor in Seattle. In fact, when I started typing her name in the search box, Google auto-populated the box with 'Seattle' after her name. I couldn't believe it. I read her bio and methodology and was blown away by what a good fit she would be for me.

I hadn't been thinking about finding a therapist. I have never searched for a therapist in Seattle (especially West Seattle). I don't like counselors and generally think they are full of crap and that I don't need them. Because I am tough. I always have been and people have always told me that I am extremely strong. And people have always expected me to be tough and strong. I don't like asking for help. It's a sign of weakness in my eyes. Even in relationships, I never allow myself to just fall and trust that I will be taken care of because I've always had to be the strong one and carry those around me.

Apparently, God disagrees with me there :). Which is very scary to me and most of me is still resisting the idea of seeing a counselor. But it also brings tears to my eyes, because it shows me that all the burdens that my prideful soul thinks I have to carry by myself, God doesn't want me to carry by myself.

Sure, this may be a little bit of an exaggerated interpretation of a small thing like getting a name. But God was certainly nudging me. And I feel very blessed by and through that. I hope I can experience that kind of clarity in hearing God's word over my life more often. Which I know has to start with me actually taking the time to listen like I did yesterday. And needless to say, I will be setting up an appointment with this lady.

From Fat to Fab

Warning: You cannot un-see what you're about to see.

This was me 7-10 years ago...

And this is me today....

I am almost 30 and look better than when I was 20. How did I do it? Small lifestyle changes. That's all it took. I don't work out ever (I probably should though). I don't only eat salads. I learned to do things in moderation.  I walked a little more here, ate a little less there. And that is how I lost the weight.
People who are overweight know deep down what they need to change. I know because I've been there. It's not as hard as it seems. You just have to get uncomfortable enough in your own skin to want it. No one else can make you want to do it. But if you want it, you can lose the weight. It's that simple.

Greek Denial

The image below is screen shot of a poll aired on a German news station. The poll was conducted in different countries within Europe. The question was 'Who works the hardest in Europe?'

The left column shows the country that was polled (from top to bottom: Great Britain, France, Spain, Germany, Italy, Poland, Greece), the right column shows how that country voted. All countries voted Germany to be the hardest working in Europe. Well, all countries except for one...

Seriously Germany, stop pumping money into that lazy shit hole. They are your Occupiers, except you can actually kick them out and cut them off while Americans can't kick their Occupiers out.

War on Men #waronmen #waronwomen

Both Liberals and Conservatives are talking about the war on women and blaming the other side. With the latest leftist attack  which manifested itself in depicting S.E. Cupp with 'something' in her mouth, I think it is pretty obvious who is waging that war. But I digress.  My question is, why isn't anybody talking about the war on men?

Marketing departments definitely seem to be biased towards men. Look at how companies are portraying men in their commercials, sending the message to young girls and boys that all men are idiots.

Here are some examples of commercials that portray men as incapable losers:

Excedrin http://www.poptent.net/media/26030 ;

Lowe's: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8E_tI3QDaSM

Vonage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXml1Iu47xU

Geico: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oe-Y-zSd5gs

AT&T: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFWGkeVVO0I

DiGiorno: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oULN5a_quGQ

My new 'favorite' commercial is the Eggos commercial where dad built a crooked a table and the food just slides off. I couldn't find that one on YouTube. And this is just a selection of commercials. There are many more out there that send the same type of message. 

This phenomena is yet another sign of how feminism has pushed us way beyond the reasonable desire for women to have equality to the completely reserve in some areas of life.

The kind of messaging seen in the commercials above will make girls think that men can't do anything right and that they will have to be mean bitches when they grow up to whip their men into shape.

On the flip side, young boys will think that it's ok for a woman to demean them and  raise their eyebrow at them. They will accept that they will never be able to do anything right (according to their woman).

A completely perverse message that kills both femininity AND masculinity and is a purveyor of a behavioral pattern that, in my opinion, is the reason most marriages fail. Most men don't cheat because they are sex addicts or because they are pigs. Sure some do, but the majority of men who cheat do so when they've grown so weary of their wife bitching at them for not doing things right that they need to find affirmation, be it physical or emotional, from another woman.

 A true masculine man will cherish a woman and support her in her endeavors. If you demonize men, all you do is create the very self-image in men that you don't want to see in them. If you respect men and let them know that you value their contributions, they will become knights in shining armor.

Oh and if you would like to see what a political war on men looks like, just follow @TheRealRoseanne.

LinkedIn does not work like Twitter

I received a few questions about this tweet: "I wish people would understand that LinkedIn does not work like Twitter. Completely different approach and purpose". So I figured a quick blog post is in order. If you are one of my social media geek followers, this post is a moot point for you.

Twitter and LinkedIn are inherently different.  In short: Twitter is for connecting with people you want to meet, LinkedIn is for staying connected to people that you have met.

Now in my case the Twitter statement mostly applies to professional connections and people who are passionate about animals. It is not my goal to meet with all my Twitter followers and those who I follow. But I would like to meet some who  are in the same profession as I am or in a profession that interests me or who are simply rockstars in their field (like Chris Brogan :-) ). Twitter can be used to connect with others for many different reasons, and professional networking is just one of those reasons. Everyone has their own personal purpose for using Twitter.

LinkedIn however is different in that it has a very specific purpose. It is a professional network. You connect with people that you have either met in person (for example during a networking event) or that you have worked with.  The latter could be either in person or virtually.

In my opinion, you should only connect with people on LinkedIn if you can speak to their professional abilities in a positive way if someone asked you about it. This does not mean you have to have worked with them. I am connected to a lot of great people who I have seen display their abilities and knowledge during events  and in person meetings.

Lately, I have been getting a lot of invitations on LinkedIn from people that I have never met. Or people that I have met, even at work, but I don't know anything about them outside of their name and where they sit in the office. Now if those people were looking for a job, I would not recommend them or give them a lead because I know nothing about their work ethics, their abilities, etc. They may be great employees, but am I willing to put my reputation on the line for someone who may or may not be a great candidate or employee? The answer is no.

Yesterday I received an invitation from someone who is looking for a training role. She sent me a nice e-mail asking to let her know if I know of any opportunities. Here is my response to her:

' Dear Jane,

Thank you for your nice e-mail. I would love to connect with you on LinkedIn and let you know about any training opportunities that I know of. Please let me know when you are available to meet in person over coffee so we can discuss your experience and what you are looking for.

Thanks,

Miriam'

If she truly wants to connect with me professionally and is serious about wanting to be referred, she will make the time and effort.

On the other hand, LinkedIn also isn't Facebook. You may be friends on Facebook but does that mean you know anything about that person professionally? Think about that before you connect with them on LinkedIn.

The moral of the story is that connecting with people on LinkedIn has lot more significance than connecting with them on Twitter or Facebook. It reflects on you professionally. The two questions I always ask myself before connecting with someone are: What would I say about this person if someone asked me? And, more importantly: What would that person say if someone asked them about me?

Don't put your professional reputation and your network on the line just to be nice and to not offend anybody.

Disclaimer: If you are actively looking for a job and you get an invitation on LinkedIn from a recruiter that you have never spoken to or met in person, you accept! 

Bird rescue - a new family tradition

On Saturday, I drove to Marymoor Offleash Dog Park with my 4 dogs. As usual. My friend Teri dropped off her dog with me to join the pack. As usual. I went to the parking ticket machine and walked back to my car to let the dogs out. As usual. Then I saw a green little bird sitting on the ground about two cars away from mine. Not as usual.

Without hesitation, I started approaching it holding up my sweater so I could throw it on top of the bird once I got close enough. Let me tell you, it must have been quite the funny sight for people who didn't know I was trying to catch a bird. I am glad no one called the cops on the crazy lady that is sneaking around between cars. After a few attempts, I finally caught the little girl. I didn't have anything to put her into in my car, so the next best thing I could think of was to drive to the nearest pet store. In hindsight, I could have probably tried to just find any store and ask for a box. But I didn't. Now the tough part. Keep a bird wrapped in my sweater without hurting it while driving a Mustang with one hand across town with 5 dogs who were ready to go run at the park and don't understand why we are leaving again. Needless to say the bird suddenly appeared on my lap which made me actually scream out loud. I pulled over and spend 10 minutes trying to catch the bird again. With 5 dogs in the car. I finally got it and made it to the pet store where I was able to put it into a box. I also bought a cage and food right away. Later that day I took it the vet to ensure it was healthy, which it was. The vet said it couldn't have been out for too long.

If you know anyone in the Redmond area who lost a female parakeet, chances are I have it and please have them reach out to me. 

I am trying to find its owner because I wouldn't want someone else to do the same for me. But if I can't I will keep her. Her name is Sunshine.

You may think this is an isolated incident, but in fact, my family somehow has a tradition of saving birds. Not intentionally. It just kind of happens.

The first bird we saved was an abandoned duckling. This happened when I was really young, about 4. We were watching it hatch on an grassy area in park and once it hatched it ran straight to my mom and followed us everywhere from that moment on. Unfortunately, she was eaten by a crow when my parents let their guard down. But while we had her she was following us like a puppy.

Then my parents saved two abandoned ducklings who were sitting under a parked car on a busy street. I was about 7. They were older though so they never really got used to us and once they were old enough we released them at a park.

This was really it for my childhood. In more recent years, my younger brother has had seven incidents when he somehow ran into a bird that needed help. He has the local wildlife shelter on speed dial. One time, a bird literally dropped right in front of his feet as he was walking. He also rescued a bat from drowning once.

On top of those seven incidents him and I also rescued two birds within the last two years. The first time I rescued a bird with him, and really the first time I ever rescued a bird since the ducks were rescued by my parents, was on my last day of visiting my family in Germany. We were in downtown Frankfurt and suddenly saw a woodpecker with a broken wing in a busy shopping passage. I looked at my brother with disbelief about the chances that this is happening to him again. He looked at me and said: 'Are you ready for this?'
We caught it and brought it to wildlife shelter.

The second time was when he visited me here in Washington. He was leaving in a few hours and we decided to go for a walk at Lake Sammamish. We found an abandoned green heron baby sitting in the middle of an open space. Again, we caught it and took a detour to a wildlife sanctuary in Maple Valley on the way to the airport.

I had chalked those incidents up to the fact that I was with my brother and given his history with birds it was just a normal day. Until I found Sunshine. I guess we are both carrying the baton now. If only our bird rescue ability could save the Seattle Seahawks.

Don't be the reason Twitter has a block button

I cannot imagine what life must be like for kids these days. If I think of the bullying that went on in my school days without Facebook and Twitter, I don't even want to imagine what it must be like now. But unfortunately, some people never grow up so the bullying continues into adulthood. I saw something like that happen to one of my followers yesterday and it got her to the point where she changed her profile picture to something that isn't her face and removed her full name from her profile.

Twitter is a great way to connect with people, but we need to always remember just that: You're not talking to an avatar. You're talking to a person.

Bullying is just one reason to unfollow and block someone. Below are my top 3 reasons to block someone and my top 10 reasons to unfollow/not follow someone.

Top 3 reasons to block someone:

1. You are bullying someone (surprise, surprise). It doesn't matter who. If you bully someone, you're not a nice person and I want nothing to do with you.
2. You  are threatening someone in any shape or form. I've seen a lot of threats thrown out there during the OWS high season. If you threaten people with things like 'we will find you', you're going to get blocked. And reported.
3. You send me and a bunch of other random people a link to a 'giveaway' (and expect me to be stupid enough to click on it)

Top 10 reasons to unfollow/not follow someone:

1. You have the word 'bitch' or a derivate of the word in your handle.
2. You use profanity ALL the time. I am no angel when it comes to that, but I know how and when to express myself without using profanity. If you can't, you need to go back to school. Or get your mouth washed with soap.
3. You tweet every single Foursquare, GetGlue, etc. check in. It's ok to tweet it when you have something to say about the place (like 'best brunch in town') but if I wanted to know where you are at all times, I would request to be friends with you on Foursquare.
4. You are negative. All you do is whine and bitch about bad service, talk trash about other people, etc. Get over yourself.
5. You tweet about your sex life. Really? If you have to tweet about it to get satisfaction, it's not that great.
6. You tweet about what you're eating or cooking. Again, it's fine if it's 'this is the best XYZ I have ever had and here is where you can find it'. But who cares that you are cooking something with someone? No one.
7. You constantly retweet others but don't produce any original content.
8. You haven't tweeted in a month.
9. You tweet about things I don't care about.
10. Your bio or tweets state that you are a social media guru/ninja/expert. Maybe I'll follow you if you have 10K+ followers to substantiate a claim like that.

What did I miss? What are you twitter pet peeves that make you hit the unfollow/block button? Share your thoughts by commenting below.

Use Project Management to Stick to Your Resolutions

Why do so many people fail at sticking to their New Year's resolutions? The failure is generally a result of a) setting unrealistic goals and/or b) not creating a plan consisting of achievable smaller sub-goals. The latter I believe is what ultimately gets people to the point to just give up, even on realistic, attainable goals.

Resolutions are nothing but goals and those in turn are projects so they should be treated as such. If you are serious about making changes in your life, you need to create a project plan for each goal. I am not talking about a full-blown, elaborate project plan but it should have some of the basic components.

                                                         Problem Statement

Use the 5 'Ws' (Who, What, When, Where, Why) to define the problem you are looking to solve. Divide it into three components: vision (what happens when I solve the problem, or desired state), issue statement (describe the actual problem, or current state), method (how will you approach getting from the current state to the desired state). This seems logical for the stereotypical goals such as 'lose weight' or 'quit smoking' but what about goals such as 'learn French' or 'buy the car I've always wanted'? It is even more critical to define the problem statement for those kind of goals because if you cannot state what the problem is, then you are probably not passionate enough about it to consequently pursue it in the first place.

The problem statement for 'learn French' could be something along the lines of: "I want to be able to go to Paris and get around the city by myself, including hotel, cabs, restaurants, museums and other attractions (vision). I have no knowledge of the French language (issue statement). I will use tools such as Rosetta Stone or Live Mocha to get a basic understanding. Then I will seek out French speaking people in my area on Twitter to get some real life experience... etc. (method)."

The problem statement for 'buying the car I've always wanted' could be something like this: "I want to fulfill my childhood dream of owning a Ferrari to reward myself for the successes in my career (vision). I don't own a Ferrari and I have not done the research on what the financial impact of buying a Ferrari would be and what I would need to do to afford it (issue statement). I have $10,000 in savings that will serve as my down payment. I will research how much the minimum down payment will be and how much a monthly payment will be based on my credit score and other factors. I will make lifestyle changes (if necessary) to save up additional money for the down payment and to be able to afford the monthly down payment.... etc. (method)"

If you cannot clearly state what you are trying to do and why, then you probably don't really want to do it in the first place and should revisit the motivation behind the goal. Often we feel like we should pursue certain goals due to external pressures from family and friends, work or society, which is why they end up on the list. If magazines are the reason you want to lose weight, not your health or comfort, then you probably should reconsider that goal.

                                                               Define the Scope

In project management, scope defines what the deliverables are in terms of time, money, and quality and what the project objective is. It documents the common understanding of the project of all parties involved. Now you may ask yourself how this applies to a new year's resolution that has no other parties involved besides yourself: You are the project manager AND the customer. You need to keep yourself in check. Define your deliverables, what the cost is, how long it will take and what the quality you are looking to achieve. Then make yourself stick to it.

'Lose weight' is not a deliverable and does not include any measurements to determine if the goal has been achieved (i.e. the project has been completed), therefore we need to define it in a little more detail.

The scope for 'lose weight' could be something like this:

I will lose at least 15 lbs (quality) between 01/01/2012 and 06/01/2012 (time). I will join a gym i the week of 01/01/2012, share my weight loss goal with a trainer and ask them to develop a training plan for me to follow. I will also consult with a dietitian during that same week to create a food plan that I can stick to and that will enable me to reach my weight loss goal in the provided time frame (deliverables). The total estimated cost is $700 which includes a  gym membership for 6 months, consulting with the dietitian and purchasing healthier foods, etc. (cost)

In this scenario, the trainer and the dietitian also become your customer, as you feel accountable to them in reaching your mutually agreed upon milestones. Adding 'customers' like that to your project will be helpful since minds are capable of quite the trickery when you are solely relying on keeping yourself in check.

                                     
                                       Work Breakdown Structure and Milestones

You've set a basic timeline in the scope statement but you need milestones that break up the goal into smaller chunks. In order to figure out what those milestones are, you can create a simple work breakdown structure, or as I like to call it, sticky notes on a wall.
Start with the end goal on the top sticky note, then build a 'pyramid' downwards that contains all of the things that need to happen to fulfill your goal. The first row of sticky notes (or whatever tool you use) below the initial goal sticky note will be your sub goals, anything below that will be specific action items. In the example for 'lose weight' above, the sub goals (or milestones) would probably be set by your trainer and dietitian. But if you chose to not consult either one of them and for other goals, you would have to create them yourself.

Once you've determine all of your sub goals (or milestones) and action items you can plug them plug them into your predefined timeline, creating a work back schedule. A work back schedule means starting with the end date in mind and working your milestones in to fit the timeline you've set for yourself.

Examples:

'Learn French' sub goal 1: Rosetta Stone -> action items: complete level 1, level 2, level 3, etc.; sub goal 2: Meet French speakers -> action items: join French society in my area, follow French speakers on Twitter, etc. sub goal 3:.....

'Buy the car I've always wanted' sub goal 1: Determine cost -> action items: research car dealers and cost of new and pre-owned Ferraris: sub goal 2: Determine financing -> action items: sign up for Mint.com to understand the trends of my spending and determine where I can cut costs, talk to XYZ banks to find out the best financing options, etc., sub goal 3:....

                                                          Risk Mitigation Plan

No this is not overkill. It's common sense. With every goal we set for ourselves, we inherently know what the risks are to achieving it but we barely ever take the time to clearly outline what these risks are and how we can mitigate them. If we can prevent issues (once a risk occurs it becomes an issue) from occurring or have a plan in place for the case that they do occur it will be much easier to deal with them and to stay on track.

What are things that you know will be hard to do or stick with in regards to your goal? 
What things have occurred that have kept you from achieving this or other goals in the past? 
What issues have others had that you know who tried to achieve the same goal as you? 
Once you outline what the risks are, create action steps  you can take to prevent them from occurring in the first place and action steps you can take in case the risks turn into issues.

Let's stick with 'lose weight' for potential risk and mitigation examples:

Risk: Project at work will reach its peak in March and I will have to work longer hours which will cut into my work out time.

Mitigation Plan:

Preemptive action steps: Ask/plan for additional resources during that time to keep impact on my schedule to a minimum; plan to keep other after work activities to a minimum during that time; plan with spouse/partner for them to take on more household chores during that time; etc.;

Reactive action steps: Use lunch hour to work out at gym; bike to work; delegate work to others whenever possible to free up time; etc.;

                                                        Communication Plan

This again may seem like overkill, but ask yourself the following questions:

Do you need support from others to achieve your goal? 
When and how do they need to be involved? 
How will you communicate the need for their involvement and the level of support you need to them?

If you don't have clear answers to these questions you should put a little more thought into it and create a basic communication plan. Look at all the other components of your plan to determine whose support you will need. Create a basic matrix listing all of the people you need to communicate to and then answer the what, how and when question.

For the 'lose weight' example, there are already a few hypothetical people outlined above: the trainer, the dietitian, the spouse/partner, and the stakeholders and the project team at work.

Now you certainly don't want to communicate the same things to all of these parties. Your stakeholders for your project at work do not need to know anything about your goal. All they need to know is that you need more resources and you need to create a work related reason when you present to them.

Your spouse/partner will need to be communicated to in much more detail. You will have to get their buy in because you will need a lot of their support in sticking to your diet and work out schedule. You may even ask them to stick to the same diet so that you don't get tempted. Not the mention the potential additional chores they might have to take on if the risk relating to your work project becomes an issue.

How would you communicate this? 
How will you gain their buy in and 100% support? 
What concerns may they bring up? 
Are there any events in their life that you haven't considered that might collide with your plan? 
All things to consider.

                                                              End Note

All of these tools can be very elaborate and time-consuming to create so don't over think it. Keep it basic and simple. You don't want to create more work for yourself. Just put a couple of hours into the planning phase so that the execution phase can go much more smoothly.


Are there any other PM tools/strategies/principles you can think of that could help with sticking to resolutions without creating a ton of extra pre-work? Let me know in the comments.

In the Eye of the Beholder

We've all heard the sayings about beauty and art being in the eye of the beholder. While I find the first to be true and the latter very much debatable, I want to add gratitude to the list of things that are in the eye of the beholder. Not gratitude in and of itself, but the things that we are, or should be, grateful for.

Last week I was sick. I had some kind of virus that gave me a sore throat, made me cough and sneeze, and just made me feel icky and sleepy overall. I was annoyed that I had to use two PTO days because I was too exhausted to work from home on two of the four days I was home sick. I was even more annoyed that I was sick right before my best childhood friend who I hadn't seen in two years was flying in for the weekend to see me. I was annoyed because my dogs were only getting short walks and that I didn't have someone to walk them while I was sick. I was annoyed that none of my household chores and other deliverables were getting done.

While I was lying in bed moping about being sick, I got a phone call from my dermatologist. A few weeks ago, I had two of my many moles removed because they were growing and/or itching at times and just plainly looked abnormal to me. This wasn't the first time. I had a big mole on my back removed about a year ago. The reason I am talking about this is not to gross you out. I had forgotten (or intentionally suppressed) that I was expecting to hear back from the dermatologist on the results of the biopsy.

When the phone rang and I realized who and what it was, suddenly all my thoughts of being sick with a cold vanished. I prayed to God that the results were normal. I was flooded with fear at the thought of what would happen if the results were abnormal. Within 5 seconds I thought about all of the medical procedures I would have to go through, the possible cancer treatment, who would take care of my dogs, how would I pay for all of it, how would I tell my mom on the other side of the world…

"Ms. Kelly, both of your moles were normal, so no further treatment is necessary"

Sigh. Thank you God.

After that, I wasn't annoyed anymore. I praised the Lord for the good news and thanked Him for being so good to me. I thanked Him for not being permanently sick, for having a job that allows me to work from home, for having PTO time, for being able to see my best friend, for having my dogs to comfort me, for having people in my life who love me, for having a roof over my head, for having food….

'In the eye of the beholder' is a fancy expression for 'perspective'. When we put things into the right perspective, they don't look so bad anymore. What are things in your life that you need to put into the right perspective?